Saturday, June 25, 2005

What am I doing?

Sorry to be continually whinging on here about how I'm feeling sick. More than sick now, it's a feeling of no energy that at times mimics a deep existential angst that I could surely do without!

I feel like I need to figure out what I'm doing, where I'm going, who I am, how I am to earn my living, etc. For goodness sake, I'm 33 and I still am not sure.

I mean sure, I can take 5 bucks and turn it into $50 on ebay any day of the week, and that's cool. I do enjoy doing that. I love thrifting, finding things and selling them. It's a perfectly fine way to earn an income. Can I do it for 20 years? Can I become financially secure doing it? I have no idea.

I've been brewing a few more focused business ideas for a few years actually. One, I've come really near to making real this year. I bought two years of webhosting and hired Aeolidia Designs to design a site for me. I filed for a fictitious business name and got a reseller's license and found sources for product and then....fizzle.... It's not gone forever though, I still could and maybe should do that.

Art is going along nicely. Opportunities for shows are presenting themselves to me without me seeking much. If I produced more artwork I could probably sell it. I love making art, but somehow get all emotionally snarled up with the "negative self talk" stuff. The really irritating and mean inner voice that says I suck and everyone else is better and why bother and who cares and it's dumb and on and on ad nauseam. I know deep inside that I make art because it's human nature to do so, because I am compelled to, I know I shouldn't compare, I know I'm learning and I know that all artistic expression is worthwhile. But damn....

I often regret that I didn't go to the college I should have gone to, that I had my children young and with the wrong person, but that's pointless.

Geez I hope I feel better soon!


Blogger Scott said...

"If you hear a voice within you saying, 'You are not a painter', then by all means paint...and that voice will be silenced." -Vincent Van Gogh

I'm sorry you've been so rundown lately, but you've had a lot to deal with, and had to struggle with a lot in the past 2 years. You're getting better, you are achieving things you've wanted to do and you are a great mom to two wonderful kids. How you manage to do all that and have time for lounging around with me on Sunday is beyond me. Many of your projects are in the hardest stage, where they require lots of time and energy but the results are delayed so it feels like you are just stuck. Trust me, you aren't. You are building foundations that will change your life, don't rush it too much. Don't look too far into the future for now, just focus on getting the next thing done. Lay down one brick, don't worry about the wall. It will get built as long as you keep putting one brick down at a time.

1:35 PM  
Blogger rob said...

ditto what Scott said...and, I know you can't believe it, but you are so young! Unbelievable what you've already accomplished.

3:41 PM  
Blogger sweethc said...

Scott said it all and I would like to add that I, too, am in a state of indecision and wondering what in the heck I am doing. I create, create, create and figure it will come to me soon what I am suppose to be doing. Just because you are in your 30's does not necessarily mean you have found what you want to do. I am still searching, and enjoying the exploration. Just enjoy being you, being an artist and the business will come.

7:22 AM  
Blogger kate said...

No matter how you earn a living, there is always an uncertainty about whether or not it will provide a sense of stability, inspiration, and/or happiness for the rest of your life. You are still exploring, and allowing yourself to be open to inspiration. Most of us in the working world have lost that. Enjoy. You're doing great.

11:39 AM  

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